The Break-Up

5 years. We met in February of 2005.  He was and is the funniest, most thoughtful, creative, and beautiful man I have ever met.  August of 2005, we break-up, he isn't ready for long-term commitment.  Back together in June of 2006.  He moved to my city that August.  I was ready for marriage.  He wanted to go slow.  We travel together in the summer of 2007 for 2 months.  After it is over, I love him more than ever; he thinks that next year, he might need to be alone.  We break-up in June of 2008 and I move to a new city. . . hoping to heal and to give him space.  He visits on New Year's eve 2008, and it starts again.  This time, long-distance. . . just to see how it goes.  I think it goes well.  In May 2010, he needs "space" to decide if we are going to get married or not.  He comes to my job in June. . . and I decide that this is it . . . we are going to get married.  We love each other and it has been a long-time.  He says he needs until August to make up his mind.  He decides that he isn't ready.  He can't do it.  Marriage requires a lot of confidence.  Confidence he doesn't have.

And I am here.  Alone.  My best friend- gone.  My every-day person- gone.  The guy who stood in my court and rooted for me- gone.  The person to buy a house with- gone.  The man I wanted to have children with - gone.   The person who can make me laugh when I am crying -gone.   I feel as if I have lost so much in losing him.

Everyone is full of platitudes.  "You don't want someone who doesn't want you."  "It would never work out if he wasn't invested all of the way." "He doesn't deserve you. You deserve better."  "You are better off without him."

But, I am not.  I am sad and lonesome without him . . . immobilized by grief and too aware of how good things in life are transient . . . it is as if a limb has been amputated.  No prosthetic will ever quite replace it.  There are some things in life that you can't undo.

My sister came to visit this past weekend.  To fill the hours, to spend time with me.  And I am so thankful that she did.  We went to a used bookstore on Sunday and she gave me the tools to survive the fall.


I hope that I make it.